Under-confident people tend to have an exaggerated view of what 'confidence' looks like. I mean who is confident? Are confident people people who don’t second guess themselves? People who never get embarrassed? All smiles, charisma, and grace? Or on the flipside, are they people who are foolishly uncurious? Boastful? People who command attention?

Then, there are some people who just act confident, perhaps so as not to make others uncomfortable, or not make it all about them. That describes my journey. There have been many points where I realised my lack of confidence was getting in the way of valuable interactions, turning them into a very boring me-fest in my own head. At the risk of sounding off-putting, it sounded something like, ‘They’re so interesting, I’m not,’ or ‘They have so much to say, I don’t’, or ‘They probably don’t like me, they’re just being nice’. Instead of appreciating the world in front of me, I was worried about how I looked or how I came off. 

In my life, I've lacked confidence. But sometime around my mid-twenties I realised that I don't need to be 'confident' to face challenges. I learned that being 'confident' and acting sensibly needn't go hand in hand. Taking the right steps doesn't necessarily require confidence, but only the willingness to overcome hesitation. I learned that, even if I’m shaking all the while, if I act with good sense and consideration, I’ll look back on the situation at least a little proud of how I handled it; and that’s where confidence probably stems from. I still falter from time to time but it’s a journey we probably all go through while negotiating our place in the world. 

Before I started teaching English on Cafetalk, I was learning Japanese from a fantastic tutor online. Taking online language classes has its own unique set of stresses. One moment, you're having a warm lunch from your own favourite bowl and the next, you're practically public speaking. The moments before taking my first lesson, even each of my heartbeats were catching me by surprise. I was totally nervous. What if the tutor thought, "wow you studied by yourself for so long, no wonder you sound so bad", or "why is she slouching?" Even worse, part of me wondered, “What does this person think about where I’m from?” 

At the same time, thoughts knocked from behind another wall: "I don't want my family to overhear me speaking Japanese! I don't even know Japanese, and if they hear me they’ll go around saying ‘she speaks Japanese’!” 

From one end, I scared of being judged, and from the other I was feeling self-conscious. However, I also knew I would just be getting in my own way if I wasn't going to be loud and clear on the call. And, I figured that if I spoke less, my tutor would have less have to help me improve. I needed to bring my best effort to the table to make it worth my time and money. I could be nervous, as long as I could put it those feelings aside. 

Only when you look back and are proud of your own conduct and choices does your confidence in yourself grow. In this particular situation, I figured it was courteous of me as a student to give the teacher something to work with, even if I felt I sounded like an idiot. 

We all have our unique insecurities in the face of others. My personal advice for overcoming those is to just be kind and act like someone you’d be proud of, and confidence will follow. And it probably won't look like what you think it would! 

It's interesting that confidence also means ‘trust’. I think we should lean more into that angle when we are nervous. When we are interacting with others, we are trusting them with ourselves and we are trusting them to treat us with respect. That’s confident enough! I mean, of course, it'd be nice, to have that suave self-image we imagine caricatures of confident people have, too… Maybe that comes with self-forgiveness and time, and, not letting yourself get distracted by what’s not important! There’s the saying ‘you are your own worst critic’. People are usually pretty nice, so we should learn to take it easy, and see who is in front of us.  

So when it comes to increasing your 'confidence' in online lessons, just bring your best self, put your best foot forward, and trust the other party to take care of the rest. You don't need to be confident; you just need to dare yourself to act in your own best interest. Allow yourself some shaky steps. 

Go you!